I gots a rumblr in my tumblr.

Born to a South African painter and a famous Brazilian actor, Hannah Kaplan has lived a full life of adventure. She now resides in the south of France with her husband, Pierre. They have three children, one of which they don't like to talk about. True story.

PROBLOG(my shameless defense and further proof I am a horrible human being): I am not anti-online dating. I say do whatever works for you. I am, however, anti-dumbasses. Unfortunately the two seem to go hand in hand. So why do I do it? I don’t. I did a few years ago, met some crazies met one great guy but in the end nothing really worked out. Now I have a profile on one of them crazy sites, but not to date. No, no. I have one for a couple of reasons. The first being, a good ol’ self esteem booster! I’m not going to lie. You could look like a fucking ewok but if you are a woman and you are on a free dating website you will receive AT LEAST three messages a day telling you you are hot in the hopes of getting some “pussy.” I don’t care if they are telling the truth or not. I am a woman, and I like to hear that I am hot. And if you are a woman and you say otherwise.. you are a liar. Women like to hear they are pretty. It’s pretty simple. The other reason is most of these messages (there are a few rare exceptions) are written by unattractive morons. Unattractive ENTERTAINING morons. And the best part is, they are BAD people. I mean, they are sick and twisted, perverted, bad people. You can tell by the way they write, their pick up lines, their profiles, their pictures. They are disgusting. Why is this the best part? You can respond with cruel, rude, and sarcastic insults without any remorse! You can be that sarcastic bitch we all know you are deep down at heart without regret. Because they totally deserve it! IT’S FANTASTIC. Whenever I’m feeling down, all I need to do is check my POF.com messages and my grey skies turn to blue! Ladies, I’m telling you. If you need a stress outlet SIGN UP FOR A FREE DATING WEBSITE. It’s better than therapy! God, I’m messed up. But at least I can acknowledge that. So, not all hope is lost.

BLOG: And now an example of why all men in the online dating world suck:

4/27/2012 10:53:47 PM

Hey what’s up! How are you? :) I was just searching around on here and thought I’d say hi and nice pics, cute! :) I’m from L.A. Area. I was seeing if you were interested in having great sex and fun on a regular basis. I guess you could call it friends with benefits :) I know random and straight to the point haha.. But hey, cant go wrong with having fun untill you find something more seious right?.. Hit me up on here or you can text me on my cell anytime. Have a great day

Ryan =)

But what to say? What do you say when Prince Charming has found you!?

Well I don’t know about you, but I say this:

4/28/2012 12:08:04 AM

You are just about as charming as the rat entrails my cat regurgitated yesterday evening. After upon reading this I had my vagina sewn shut. The idea of seeing your hauntingly creepy tighty whiteys in person makes me want to walk on glass, glass covered in AIDs. Yes, I would rather have AIDs then “hit you up.” I would rather bathe myself in acid then take any sort of benefits out of a friendship with you. There is so much wrong with your message, my eyeballs are literally bleeding. I will now have nightmares forever of the horrors you would bring into my life. I feel uneasy just knowing that you exist. To put it simply, you are one creepy, creepy man. But thanks so much for the offer. :)

Hannah =)

EPIBLOG: I am a horrible human being. I find chaos to be extremely entertaining. I am going to hell. End.

Tagged as: iamawesome,

Cats on shoulders. It’s what life is about.